


Lasting Effect

by BastardPrince



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Hurt Magnus Bane, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, demonic fathers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 09:32:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16513760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BastardPrince/pseuds/BastardPrince
Summary: It might have been easier for Magnus Bane to convince himself that his mother had never loved him. In the long run, it would have saved him a lot of pain.---Magnus Bane struggles with his parentage.





	Lasting Effect

It might have been easier for Magnus Bane to convince himself that his mother had never loved him. He had been young enough when she died that he could have rewritten all his memories. In the long run, it would have saved him a lot of pain.

But deep down, Magnus knew that it wasn't true. His mother had _adored_ him when he was young. Eventually, Magnus learned that every time he pushed away the memories of his mother, they would be diminished, and he would forget not only the painful memories, but the good ones as well. And if there was anything more painful than reliving bad memories, it was knowing that you had lost countless joyous ones.

So Magnus cherished the memories of his mother. She had called him _cintaku_ and held him close. They used to sit outside in the evenings to watch fireflies, and when the _laron_ came before the rainy season, they would count the ones that swarmed to the candlelight. Best of all, she had sung to Magnus when he was young, so softly that only he could hear. Almost every night, his mother's lilting voice had filled his ears as he fell asleep.

But knowing that his mother had loved him made it hurt that much more when she had stopped. Of all the memories Magnus had lost, he had never quite managed to forget the look of horror in her eyes when she saw his warlock mark for the first time.

Before, his mother had marvelled at her baby's unusual golden eyes, but as soon as his pupils morphed into cat-like slits, her wonder turned to disgust. His belly button had been erased overnight; replaced by smooth, brown skin that was abhorrent to his mother.

From then on, his mother had stopped touching Magnus, stopped singing to him at night, and seemed to do her best to forget he existed.

Not understanding what had changed, but knowing it was his fault, Magnus loathed himself. He spent his days looking down so that his she wouldn't have to see his eyes, and he did more chores around the house to ease the burden on his mother.

Despite his efforts, his mother lasted less than a month after his warlock mark developed. Unable to tolerate her son and the constant reminder of her own dalliance with a demon, Magnus's she hanged herself in their barn one morning. Magnus had found her, toes dangling a few inches off the ground, her face dusky.

Once again, Magnus knew that this must be his fault. He had not been a good enough son, so his mother had killed herself. There was no other explanation.

At this point, his father -- or rather, his stepfather -- became physically abusive. Initially, he had reacted in a similar fashion to Magnus's mother, not touching or talking to the young warlock. But now, enraged by his wife's death, Magnus's stepfather became violent. He would call Magnus a _jin_ and accuse him of being _jahat_. Suddenly willing to touch Magnus again, his stepfather would shove the boy to the ground and kick him.

Knowing that he had brought this treatment upon himself, Magnus did not fight back. He knew he deserved whatever punishment he was given, no matter how cruel.

This lasted for about a year. Magnus's bruises never seemed to heal before he was given more, and he got used to his arms and legs being mottled black and blue.

One morning, Magnus's stepfather woke him before dawn and led him out of the house. Exhausted and battered, Magnus followed him without question. When they arrived at the nearby river, he stopped in front his stepfather, head bowed, waiting for instructions.

Instead, he got a vicious blow to his temple that sent him to his knees. His stepfather began to drag him towards the river, pushing him into the water and kneeling above Magnus to hold him below the surface.

The warlock quickly began to panic. Without meaning to, Magnus began to thrash in the water, desperately fighting for air. He took in a gulp of water and tried to cough it up, but he only inhaled more and more water. Magnus felt his hysteria rising, rising, rising, until suddenly all his panic burst out of him in an eruption of uncontrolled energy.

On his hands and knees on the riverbank, Magnus's body was wracked with wet coughs. He was soaked through, his limbs shaking, tears and snot running down his face. When he could breathe again, his chest aching, Magnus cautiously raised his head.

Not five feet away from him laid a body. It was smoking, the skin scorched and cracked, blood seeping from the wounds. Magnus knew it must be his stepfather, and that he must be dead.

Then the body groaned. The sound was so wretched and full of pain that Magnus flinched and recoiled. Getting to his feet, the warlock staggered away from the charred body, horrified. A fresh wave of tears covered his face as he stumbled back to his house. Magnus grabbed his few belongings and considered his options. He knew the way to town, though he had only been a few times before, and always with an adult. But where else could he go?

Reeling from the morning's events, Magnus set off, determined to survive.

* * *

Some time later, Magnus found himself in Madrid, where the local Silent Brothers took him in. He remembered very little about his journey, other than the devastating feeling of being set completely adrift.

With the Silent Brothers, Magnus began to learn how to control his abilities. They taught him everything he would need to know to survive, from to self-defence to demonic languages. The Silent Brothers also taught him to disguise his warlock mark so that he could pass as human.

It was the Silent Brothers who told him about Asmodeus, the Greater Demon who had violated his mother and fathered Magnus.

Living in Madrid, Magnus learned a lot about human culture. In those days, Spain was heavily influenced by Catholicism. It seemed like there was a gorgeous cathedral on every street. Awed by the ornate architecture, Magnus loved to visit the churches and revel in their beauty. Sometimes he would attend Mass, closing his eyes and absorbing the priests’ sermons.

Magnus sat in the back pews of the churches, surrounded by devout Spaniards and elaborate architecture. He listened to dozens of sermons and learned about the country’s beliefs. According to them, life vas precious and to be valued above all else. Family had the utmost importance, and that the fortunate were charged with caring for the poor. 

Listening to these sermons, Magnus was overwhelmed by his desire to be a part of such a community of people. He had been lonely all his life, and this seemed like the solution.

There were also sermons warning about the dangers of sin. One in particular stuck with Magnus. The priest had been explaining the evils of homosexuality. He had emphasized how unnatural and sinful it was, how sodomy was no better than bestiality. _All sinners must repent_ , the priest said. _They must confess their immorality to God and ask for His forgiveness_. 

Though Magnus was unsure why this particular message affected him so much, he found himself thinking of it often.

As he grew up, Magnus visited the cathedrals less regularly. He was working a few odd jobs for the Madrid Shadowhunters, and he spent most of his free time outside. The vivid colours and bustling life in the city captivated Magnus. He could spend hours at the outdoor markets, browsing merchandise and chatting with locals. 

His life was good. He was a young man in a beautiful city, and every day was a new adventure. 

As he changed from teen to young adult, Magnus noticed that different things would catch his eye. Suddenly, a pair of sparkling eyes or a kind smile would linger in his thoughts. A body brushing against his at the market kept him up a night. 

Once again, Magnus was lonely. But he longed for something different than he had as a boy sitting in the back pew of a church. 

He would wake up breathless, the front of his sleep pants damp and dreams swirling though his head. Waves of dark hair, rosy lips, and callused hands occupied his thoughts. 

One day, while he was on his way back from a simple demon summoning at the Madrid Institute, Magnus watched a group of young men about his age roughhousing in the street. One of the boys jumped onto a low wall, out of breath and laughing. Magnus couldn’t help but stare at his grinning mouth and mussed hair. He marveled at the boy’s self-assuredness and agility as he kept pace with his friends, walking alongside them on the wall. 

Suddenly, the priest's sermon rose from Magnus's subconscious. Ashamed, Magnus tore his gaze away from the group of boys. He cleared his head of his sinful thoughts, telling himself that they didn’t mean anything, that he was just confused. 

In bed that night, Magnus blamed his demon blood. The Silent Brothers had taught him that demons represented everything evil and destructive. The priest had said that homosexuality was unnatural. Clearly there was a connection. Being half demon had destroyed his relationship with his mother and stepfather, and now it was destroying his happiness in Madrid. 

Feeling slightly better now that he understood, Magnus was determined to change himself. He was sure that he would be able to rise above his base instincts. 

Over the next few weeks, the warlock continued to work and visit the markets, but he caught himself staring at broad shoulders, sharp jawlines, and nimble fingers. He felt like he was succumbing to his demon half. Angry at himself, Magnus became withdrawn and irritable.

Then he had another dream. His own body was betraying him. He was furious that he could not overcome his demonic blood. 

Magnus despaired at his options. He decided that he would throw himself into his studies with fervor. That would solve the problem. It had to.

He worked more than ever, his magic improving exponentially. Each night, Magnus fell into bed, sometimes too exhausted to eat dinner, nevermind dreaming.

And he survived. Magnus was not happy, but he endured.

Decades passed. Magnus travelled, worked, and met other warlocks. The next time he thought of that first boy on the wall, Magnus calculated that the man would have been at least 127 years old. _He must be dead_ , Magnus thought, and he allowed himself a brief moment to think of his youth in Madrid.

* * *

It was not until many years later that Magnus stopped repressing his identity.

After meeting his true father, Magnus realized that his attraction to men was not caused by his demon blood. Meeting Asmodeus showed him that demons crave nothing but destruction and carnage. Loving was the opposite of giving in to his demonic side.

When this realization hit him, Magnus allowed himself to grieve for the years he had wasted trying to change himself. He wrapped his arms around himself and cried so hard he thought he might puke.

Regret and relief coursed though Magnus’s veins. His throat hurt the entire next day, but his soul felt lighter. 

* * *

Nowadays, when Magnus Bane thinks of his mother and Madrid, the good outshines the bad. 

_Immortality is a curse disguised as a blessing_ , Magnus thinks. But when he looks down at Alec, who is lying on his chest, and Chairman Meow, who is balanced on Alec's hip, Magnus realizes that it's the small moments like this that make the struggle worth it.

"Magnus, I can hear you thinking." Alec slurs, half asleep. 

"You _cannot_ , you liar."

"Maybe not, but I know you. Please just relax."

The warlock pushes a lock of hair out of Alec's face. "You know I love you, right?"

Alec hums. He taps Magnus's side three times in response. _I. Love. You._

**Author's Note:**

>  _cintaku_ = my love  
>  _laron_ = flying termite  
>  _jin_ = demon  
>  _jahat_ = evil


End file.
